life in a effing brick room!

I hate being in a depressive state. my wife wants me better yesterday. hell, i what to be better yesterday, too. but i’m not an i believe that frustrates my wife. she doesn’t understand how difficult getting out of this dreadful state is. her hope is i could just wish my way out of it.

here’s a story that kind of drives that point home. my mom once told my sister, “i was depressed once; then i got over it.” too many people think we can just get over major depression. i wish it could be so, but it is not that way for me.

i had a marriage counseling appointment last night. i found it mind–blowingly difficult. I spent a good amount of the appointment in tears.

in the appointment, came a time where I got asked what it is like to be depressed. for me, it is like living in a brick room. removing each brick requires an incredible amount of effort and energy. simply trying to remove a brick leads to total and complete exhaustion. this exhaustion sometimes makes it difficult to function.

I hope for some light in that hedious brick room. that light is what is required for me to have hope that there is a way out. if only i could make a hole.

i realize that one way i try to get light in to this wretched room, poke a hole through the wall, is through photography. i find awe in nature. it is one way i know that there has to be a god. otherwise, how could there be relationship between everything in nature and have everything work. it boggles my mind that all of this works.

how could the waste of an organism be important to the well being of an other organism. and to continue that cycle and in return, their waste becomes critical to the well being of the organism that gave them what they needed. i’m talking about the o2–co2 cycle. animals breathe out co2 as a waste gas. plants use the waste gas to complete the process of photosynthesis that it needs to live. one of the by–products of that is oxygen. that oxygen is then used by animals for their well being, closing the cycle.

how much gets overlooked even at a walking pace? perhaps a distinctive bird , some interesting plant or interesting insect hides or lurks around the next corner or rock. but most people are so unaware and do not see it. i try, in my walk, to have an awareness of the stuff that maybe others leave behind. i call it my walk with wonderment.

I take my camera along and search for those unique plants or some angle that doesn’t get explored and take pictures. those pictures are my attempt at bring light into the brick red room that i currently occupy.

On one of my recent posts, i threw in a couple of pictures. it surprised me that by doing that i brought in a whole new audience.

for that reason, today i introduce my new photo blog, walk with wonderment. I have quite an exstensive library, so i plan to post a picture a day. all of the photos will be photos i took in my life journey. i’ll also add a brief note about the significants of the photo or a little something about the photo. but wait! that’s not all! i’ll throw in a haiku! now how much would you pay? :^)

i hope that by doing that i can draw in people who find interest in my photography. perhaps they will be interested in the person behind the photos and find its someone with a bipolar disorder. maybe i can start to break down just a few people’s misconception by seeing bipolar people can give great contributions.

so if you follow me the bipolar sojourner, i hope that you join me in my walk with wonderment. I’d don’t want to be in the brick room. come look at the light i let in.

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