why’s it gotta be so hard

i hate depression. i’m in pretty deep right now. i know because self care is such a struggle. why’s is gotta be so hard? i know i gotta do stuff good for me, but i just can’t seem to do it. these are just some of the good things i’d like to do.

• be open with my wife. that’s just to scary. she might no like where i’m at.
• take a walk every day. my body seems stuck in molasses.
• talk to friends. the phone feels like it weighs 500 pounds.
• avoid sweets. the draw sucks me in like a black hole.
• speak up for my needs. if i’m feeling down, i don’t feel important and my needs don’t feel important to me. i get clear formed thoughts in my head, but they seem to get lost on the way to the mouth.
• take time to build resilience. its easy with something like superbetter.com. there seems to be a mental block  to doing that. it’s as i have already lost the battle, so why fight.
• avoid being a victim. it’s so hard to battle from being the role of a victim. in a depressive state though, i feel like brer rabbit playing with tar bunny. stuck.
• avoid isolation. on my deserted island, where i feel so alone, the nearest land seems miles away. why even try.
• get out of the house. it as if all of the doors are locked from the inside. no way out.

i want to get back to a place where these are easy to again. I don’t think that’s to much to ask.